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Fic: "My Immortal"
Author: xxxbloodyrists666xxx
Chapter #: 2
MST By: Yen-sama and Margi-sama
Comments appreciated!

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!


Margi-sama: I'd hate to see what the chapter looked like BEFORE she got help with it.

Yen-sama: Oh dear god.




The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again


Yen-sama: There she goes again. Unaware how water condenses to form snow at 32 degrees Fahrenheit.

Margi-sama: I love how she makes a point of mentioning that she woke up in her bedroom, so we don't have any suspicions that she got drunk and passed out in a corridor and woke up in Snape's office half-clothed or something.

Margi-sama: Alas, she made it safely to her bedroom last night!


. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.


Margi-sama: Oh snap! Coffins have doors now!

Margi-sama: Yeah, sorry hun, coffins have lids.

Margi-sama: And why you sleep in one is beyond me. The rooms already have beds.

Yen-sama: Actually, I don't even think Lid is the right term either. It sounds silly.

Margi-sama: It does, but that's what people call it.

Yen-sama: Pfft. Nothing beats sleep in a nice Sealy mattress.


 My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.


Margi-sama: There's no such thing as "black ebony". Ebony is the same thing as black, there's no other shade of it. Also, who makes a coffin with hot pink velvet inside? Sounds like something a drag queen would want to be buried in. Yuck. Count me out.

Yen-sama: Besides, Vincent Valentine is the only person allowed to sleep in a coffin and have it be considered sexy.

Margi-sama: This is true.

Yen-sama: I love my bishies.


I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.


Yen-sama: Flannel pajamas are much better.

Margi-sama: A wool g-string is better than an MCR t-shirt. Ew. I'm sure if vampires existed, they certainly wouldn't submit to worshipping such a pathetic band.

Yen-sama: Did you ever watch Queen of the Damned? Now, that's the kind of music vampires would listen to.

Margi-sama: Indeed, sir.


Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.


Yen-sama: Instead? Instead of what?

Yen-sama: What else were you considering, ma'am?

Margi-sama: Instead of something that looks decent, apparently.

Margi-sama: Leather is very 1980's, especially leather dresses...And what's her deal with combat boots? I wear them myself, but not with fishnets. Barf. Talk about a conflict of styles. Combat boots are more punk than goth, and fishnets are just cheesy and cheap-looking. Kind of like Ebony! So I guess it suits her.

Yen-sama: Combat boots look good with striped cotton stockings.

Yen-sama: preferably grey, and an off-tone.

Yen-sama: Thick horizontal stripes.

Margi-sama: Yep...It's true. Striped stockings are superior to fishnets.

Yen-sama: And they're all around cuter!

Yen-sama: Or maybe it's because I'm more into Japanese Street Fashion than wannabe-goth fashion?

Margi-sama: Perhaps. And as crazy as Japanese girls are with their clothes, I'm sure none of them are crazy enough to wear a leather dress.

Yen-sama: Gackt wears leather pants.

Margi-sama: Gackt can wear pink frilly panties for all I care and still make them look hot.


I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears,



Yen-sama: AHHHH!

Margi-sama: I guess if you're going to dress like a slut, you have to accessorize like a slut.


 and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.


Yen-sama: She should put her hair in Odangos. That would make more sense than this entire story.

Margi-sama: How very "goffick" of you, putting your hair up the way a so-called "prep" would. Nice job.

Yen-sama: I think messy buns look nice in blonde hair.

Margi-sama: They do, but if you've got black hair with purple and red splotches in it and you're wearing a leather dress, you look like a heroin addict who walks the streets.

Yen-sama: You're not giving heroin addicts enough credit, Margi.


My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me.


Margi-sama: I told you there was a Buffy connection to this story. Also, the way she wrote "woke up and then grinned at me" seems to strongly imply that they're lesbians who sleep together, or maybe that's just me.

Yen-sama: Sorry. I was distracted by the plug-in air freshener in my bathroom. It has a fan inside it that circulates the scent of lavender into the air. I needed it because this story STINKS!

Margi-sama: xD Ahahaha


 She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair


Yen-sama: Raven, Ebony, and Black are synanymous.

Yen-sama: It doesn't make sense!

Margi-sama: Why do gothic Mary-Sues always have long black hair anyway? Blonde goths exist, and are actually quite pretty. The black hair and black lipstick makes it seem like you're just trying too damn hard to be dark and mysterious.

Yen-sama: There is nothing dark and mysterious about this fanfic. Dark and mysterious are adjectives that only describe the pedophile fandom communities on Live Journal.

Margi-sama: It's mysterious why the author can't type a coherent sentence to save her life. Even with "help", none of it makes sense.


with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.


Yen-sama: Speaking of pink dyed streaks, I want one of those pink clip-on hair extensions that show support against breast cancer.

Yen-sama: It's very popular in my school right now.

Margi-sama: Ahahaha. Why is it that no Mary-Sue characters can describe their hair in less than 3 words?

Yen-sama: I can describe my hair in 3 words.

Yen-sama: Razer-cut light auburn

Margi-sama: It's never a normal colour, either. It's never just, "She had long brown hair", it's always, "She had long silky black hair with pink and purple and red and yellow and blue and white and polka dot and fuschia streaks in it, tied back with a blah blah blah blah blah, and her eyes were bright and sparkling, the colour of blah blah blah blah blah blah". Yeah, we get it, you have birth defects that make every part of you oddly-coloured. Go cry about it.

Yen-sama: "Yen flipped her razor-cut light auburn hair, and peered out through her green eyes." Is how I would describe my character and I would never touch on the hair and eyes again unless it was absolutely needed.

Margi-sama: Yeah. We don't need a reminder every two paragraphs what colour your hair and eyes are, stupid Sues. I don't see how oddly-coloured hair and eyes make one attractive anyway. If I ever saw a person with hair that was 500 colours and they had bright yellow eyes, I'd run for my life. Talk about a loony. Sheesh.


 She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots.


Margi-sama: A t-shirt, fishnets, and hooker boots? Okay, seriously, I really think these girls are from a trailer park in Alabama and walk the streets at night, otherwise they'd know how to dress properly. And why all the fishnets? They're only sexy with certain kinds of clothes, and miniskirts and boots aren't those certain kinds of clothes. Dear god do these chicks dress like skanks.


 We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)


Yen-sama: Our? Sharing Make-Up can cause the transfer of acne-causing bacterias.

Margi-sama: Or the transfer of stupidity, which seems to be contageous in this story, as every character so far has caught it. It's an epidemic! Also, congratulations for knowing exactly what make-up combination makes you look like a zombie whore. That might not be the look they're going for, but dammit, they pull it off so well.

Yen-sama: XD


“OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!” she said excitedly.


Yen-sama: I'm the only person I ever heard of who says abbreviations of internet lingo in real life dialogue...

Margi-sama: If she saw her talking to Draco yesterday, why is she just now bringing it up today?

Margi-sama: Did she like, just forget what happened as soon as she saw her?

Yen-sama: She should have said something yesterday.

Yen-sama: Ebony should say "DUDE! That was SO yesterday."

Yen-sama: And be like "Yo nigga! I do what I want! uh huh!"

Margi-sama: So yesterday, just like every "style" and clothing article mentioned in this story.

Yen-sama: Like your mom.

Margi-sama: Doesn't surprise me that she'd JUST NOW be remembering something that happened in front of her yesterday. I think Ebony and Willow have a collective IQ of about 4. And that's on their good days, when they aren't snorting lines or being dickslapped.

Yen-sama: The thing is... drugs like heroin and cocaine cause memory lapses.


“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.


Yen-sama: Aw look. How cute. She's blushing!

Yen-sama: I haven't blushed since like 3rd grade.

Margi-sama: I wish MY friends would make a big deal out of whenever I talk to someone.

Margi-sama: Then I could blush too, because, like, you know, talking is totally embarassing.


“Do you like Draco?” she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.


Yen-sama: It's a long walk from the common room to the great hall. It took her that long to say a 4-word sentence?

Margi-sama: They sleep in the common room? I don't recall them ever leaving their room, so apparently they were in the common room to begin with. Hey, I guess their roommates got sick of their shit. I know I would. Oh, and the common rooms and the Great Hall aren't even on the same floor.

Yen-sama: Like I said. She said it like this, "Doooooooooooooooooooooo youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaco...?”

Margi-sama: That's probably how she talks anyway, what with all the cocaine snorting.


“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.


Yen-sama: Pfft. They have the maturity of a middle-schooler. Seriously. I'm a senior too, and if someone asked me if I like insert-name-here, I would be like, Yes, or no. It's nothing to get defensive about.

Margi-sama: I love how she acts all disgusted about liking Draco Malfoy, but when it comes to that Gerard faggot, she's all like "Hell yeah I'd tap that!"

Yen-sama: The guy wears fucking make-up. But hey, if transies are her thing, whatever.

Margi-sama: Draco's not feminine enough for her. She likes 'em so girly, they have the ability to breastfeed. Explains why she has a dyke bed buddy. She's secretly a lesbian, but dates girly men to cover up for it.

Yen-sama: I want to get expelled from Hogwarts for bringing a man into my bed.

Margi-sama: As long as it's not Snape. He's mine. I call dibs!


“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.


Yen-sama: And roundhouse kicked her in the face.

Margi-sama: Brilliant how Draco just suddenly pops out of nowhere. I'm telling you, it's that goddamn magic carpet of his. He appears in the craziest places.


“Hi.” he said.


“Hi.” I replied flirtily.


Yen-sama: I'm failing to see how a simple Hi could be flirty.

Margi-sama: "Hi", "Hi"...Wow, such a realistic way of greeting someone. Not "Hey Ebony, what's up?" or "How's it going, Ebony?" or even "Good morning E", no...It's "Hi"...And then "Hi."

Yen-sama: When I walk into homeroom, I've picked up the Japanese custom of lowering my head and saying Good Morning.

Yen-sama: Haha.


“Guess what.” he said.


“What?” I asked.


Yen-sama: "You're a Sue." Draco said, discreetly.

Margi-sama: "Me and Harry had awesome buttsecks on my magic carpet."


“Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.” he told me.


Yen-sama: "I knew you liked Muggle bands, you filthy mudblood..."

Margi-sama: Yeah, because Good Charlotte are totally wizards and can go to Hogsmeade, where there's totally a concert hall and/or an arena for them to perform at. Never mind that the wizards in the HP series are usually shown as being old-fashioned and mostly civilized and sophisticated, apparently they're so much into trendy Muggle rock bands that they invited them to come play for all the hip young emo witches and wizards.

Yen-sama: Remember that episode of the Fairly Odd Parents where Cosmo accidentally booked Brittney Brittney to sing at the Fairy Convention?

Margi-sama: Ahahaha, yeah...


“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.


Margi-sama: People. Don't. Talk. Like. This!

Yen-sama: I. Talk. Like. This. On. Sundays.

Margi-sama: I was going to insert a clever "i herd u liek good charoltte" "OH MY GOD I LOVE GOOD CHRALOTE EEEENF EEENF EEEENF" somewhere, but I think that's unnessecary. This story already makes fun of itself.

Yen-sama: So i herd u leik teh mudkipz.

Margi-sama: Oddly, that's exactly how Ebony speaks/types.

Yen-sama: So she doesn't leik teh mudkipz? Awww....


“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.


Margi-sama: Somehow I don't think Draco Malfoy is the kind of guy who listens to crap like Good Charlotte. I see him as more of an alternative rock kind of guy. And no, Good Charlotte is not "alternative", emo kids, learn the difference. It could save your life.

Yen-sama: Draco listens to Disturbed. End of discussion.

Margi-sama: Hell yeah.

Yen-sama: Good Charlotte is listed as Punk/Pop

Margi-sama: Don't tell that to any 13-year-old emo girls, they'll cry and demand that it's seriously hardcore alternative rock. No, really. They do that.

Yen-sama: I listened to it when I was 13.

Yen-sama: My mother got their Chronicles of Life and Death CD for me 2 years ago because she though I still liked it. There is some okay songs on that CD, but seriously... they're wrongly worshipped.

Margi-sama: The Good Charlotte concert would be so much better if Ozzy crashed through the roof and bit all of the band members' heads off. Hell, even I'D go to a Good Charlotte concert if that happened.


I gasped.


Margi-sama: Blushing, screaming "Oh my gawd!" and gasping are total goth-like behaviors, yeah? Nice job at being a valley girl, Miss Dark and Mysterious.

Yen-sama: She should audition for voice acting if they ever decide to dub Sailor Stars.

Yen-sama: She would be a perfect Mina.

Margi-sama: The only role she'd be good as is a prop. Like in action movies where bodies get run over by cars, and they use mannequins, except instead of a mannequin, they could use Ebony.

Yen-sama: XD

Yen-sama: I think that's the end of Crapter two.

Yen-sama: Haha, look. I made a funny.

Yen-sama: xD

Margi-sama: Ahahahaha.

Yen-sama: Our MST has more words than This entire chapter, by the way.

Margi-sama: xD Yeah

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May 2009


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